Heart wrenching every time

I think the hardest thing for me is hearing that others are pregnant. It's not that I am not happy for them, or that I don't want others to have their own children. It's just that for me it is like a huge slap in the face. I know that it is just all in my head, but it is like God is telling me once again that I am not fit to be a mother. As if He is telling me that all of these other women in less than ideal circumstances are better off than I to care for a baby.

A few months ago we were certain that I was pregnant. There was no positive pregnancy test, but all of the signs were there, even the black line down my stomach (the linea negra). After 6 weeks I began to miscarry. We were already prepared for that, since there hadn't been a positive test and figured that it was a chemical pregnancy. The hard part was that very same day we found out that our friend was pregnant, and two of our sisters-in-law were also pregnant.

Needless to say, that was the hardest day ever to stay sane! I was reading on another infertility blog about how important it is for pregnant women to tell their friends and family members dealing with infertility in private so that they can deal with the emotions that come from such news. Fortunately for me, that was how I found out, and I was able to grieve, once again, in silence on my own. My biggest fear is coming across to others as unfeeling or insensitive, or even that I don't want them to have a baby.

I often keep my feelings to myself about my infertility because I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me, but I also keep them inside feeling that I need to be strong, and a show of emotions would be admitting weakness. A show of emotion would mean that I am really not ok with what is going on, and that every time I see a baby I wonder if I will ever have one of my own. It would betray my desire to be able to focus all of my attention to the care of my children for the rest of my life. It would mean that everyone else would feel sympathetic for me, and there is nothing that I hate worse than sympathy. More than anything it would open my heart to be hurt again by getting my hopes up over a pregnancy, only to have them dashed to pieces when it ends in yet another miscarriage.