I think the hardest thing for me is hearing that others are pregnant. It's not that I am not happy for them, or that I don't want others to have their own children. It's just that for me it is like a huge slap in the face. I know that it is just all in my head, but it is like God is telling me once again that I am not fit to be a mother. As if He is telling me that all of these other women in less than ideal circumstances are better off than I to care for a baby.
A few months ago we were certain that I was pregnant. There was no positive pregnancy test, but all of the signs were there, even the black line down my stomach (the linea negra). After 6 weeks I began to miscarry. We were already prepared for that, since there hadn't been a positive test and figured that it was a chemical pregnancy. The hard part was that very same day we found out that our friend was pregnant, and two of our sisters-in-law were also pregnant.
Needless to say, that was the hardest day ever to stay sane! I was reading on another infertility blog about how important it is for pregnant women to tell their friends and family members dealing with infertility in private so that they can deal with the emotions that come from such news. Fortunately for me, that was how I found out, and I was able to grieve, once again, in silence on my own. My biggest fear is coming across to others as unfeeling or insensitive, or even that I don't want them to have a baby.
I often keep my feelings to myself about my infertility because I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me, but I also keep them inside feeling that I need to be strong, and a show of emotions would be admitting weakness. A show of emotion would mean that I am really not ok with what is going on, and that every time I see a baby I wonder if I will ever have one of my own. It would betray my desire to be able to focus all of my attention to the care of my children for the rest of my life. It would mean that everyone else would feel sympathetic for me, and there is nothing that I hate worse than sympathy. More than anything it would open my heart to be hurt again by getting my hopes up over a pregnancy, only to have them dashed to pieces when it ends in yet another miscarriage.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Why am I having such a hard time?
Amazingly enough I have found that just about everyone has a theory why I haven't had a baby yet, none of which have been a bit helpful. I have been told that it's just not the right time for us. I think, "well, how is it the right time for the many other people who don't plan on pregnancy, on drugs, or any of the many other problems that can often surround conception?"
I have also been told that it is because I am overweight. This is the most offensive to me, especially since I have several friends who are obese that have given birth to several children. There is the alternate to this, that it is a lack of exercise, or bad eating habits.
All of these suggest that I am somehow completely in control over my fertility, and that I choose to not get pregnant, or I choose to miscarry.
I have also been told that it is because I am overweight. This is the most offensive to me, especially since I have several friends who are obese that have given birth to several children. There is the alternate to this, that it is a lack of exercise, or bad eating habits.
All of these suggest that I am somehow completely in control over my fertility, and that I choose to not get pregnant, or I choose to miscarry.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Opening Blog, a Little Way to Find Some Closure
I really don't know what will develop out of this blog, but that seems to be the story of my life. All I can say is that this will be a truly heartfelt blog, as it is a way for me to express my feelings about the difficulties I am facing, without the problem of crying, or causing discomfort to others, at least not directly.
We have been married for just over 5 years, and before that we were blissfully ignorant of the difficulties of infertility. My mother is what you might call a "Fertile Myrtle" (I have been told that all 7 of my Mom's pregnancies were conceived while on birth control), and my sister followed a similar course. I assumed that it would be the same way with me. For this reason I made sure I did what I could to not get pregnant in the first year. I wanted to make sure hubby and I were comfortable with each other first. A few months before getting married I went to the Dr., who happened to be the same doctor who delivered me, and he gave me some birth control, Yasmin.
At this point I had no idea that birth control could cause major physical problems. Hubby and I married, and then a few months later I started have severe chest pains. Come to find out, it was the birth control. We decided to leave the pill alone, and try some other methods of birth control. After a few weeks of awkwardness, we were convinced that we would be better off just getting pregnant, and abandoned the birth control altogether.
After a few months of no birth control, we became increasingly excited to get pregnant. A year later, we were still excited to get pregnant, but increasingly more discouraged. We decided to take others advice and pursue fertility treatments. The day of our first appointment we found out we were pregnant. Yea! Our second Dr.'s visit we saw our baby, but no heartbeat. I think that comparing that feeling to being hit by a bus would be quite accurate. I re-live that feeling every time I see it portrayed in the media, such as on "Marley and Me."
I think we heard every speculation possible about why we had miscarried. "You were too stressed", or "there was probably something wrong with the baby."
Other big events came up in our life to conceal my pain from the public, but only my husband knew what kind of torture this was for me. I think that if he wasn't there for me, I would be a much different person, and certainly less functioning.
To throw salt on the wound there was a huge scandal about a pregnant 12 year-old in England planning to raise the baby herself. My biggest question was "Why is God doing this to me?" Why does he not see me fit to be a mother, but he entrusts a single 12 year-old child with a baby. I didn't understand.
Two more years passed, and I became pregnant again. This time I was more cautious, but inwardly I was ecstatic! We went to visit family to share our joy with them. Soon after we returned home, I ended up in the emergency room with excruciating pain. I was miscarrying again. This time I received the greatest advice I have ever received. My Mom told me to serve as much as I possibly could, so then I wouldn't have time to think about myself while the wound was still so fresh. It worked well, and I made it through without the devastation I experienced the first time.
It has now been another year and a half since my second miscarriage, and we have decided that adoption is what we should be doing right now. I hope that this blog might be able to help someone to find comfort in their challenges as I chronicle our journey through adoption and our other adventures in our pursuit of parenthood.
We have been married for just over 5 years, and before that we were blissfully ignorant of the difficulties of infertility. My mother is what you might call a "Fertile Myrtle" (I have been told that all 7 of my Mom's pregnancies were conceived while on birth control), and my sister followed a similar course. I assumed that it would be the same way with me. For this reason I made sure I did what I could to not get pregnant in the first year. I wanted to make sure hubby and I were comfortable with each other first. A few months before getting married I went to the Dr., who happened to be the same doctor who delivered me, and he gave me some birth control, Yasmin.
At this point I had no idea that birth control could cause major physical problems. Hubby and I married, and then a few months later I started have severe chest pains. Come to find out, it was the birth control. We decided to leave the pill alone, and try some other methods of birth control. After a few weeks of awkwardness, we were convinced that we would be better off just getting pregnant, and abandoned the birth control altogether.
After a few months of no birth control, we became increasingly excited to get pregnant. A year later, we were still excited to get pregnant, but increasingly more discouraged. We decided to take others advice and pursue fertility treatments. The day of our first appointment we found out we were pregnant. Yea! Our second Dr.'s visit we saw our baby, but no heartbeat. I think that comparing that feeling to being hit by a bus would be quite accurate. I re-live that feeling every time I see it portrayed in the media, such as on "Marley and Me."
I think we heard every speculation possible about why we had miscarried. "You were too stressed", or "there was probably something wrong with the baby."
Other big events came up in our life to conceal my pain from the public, but only my husband knew what kind of torture this was for me. I think that if he wasn't there for me, I would be a much different person, and certainly less functioning.
To throw salt on the wound there was a huge scandal about a pregnant 12 year-old in England planning to raise the baby herself. My biggest question was "Why is God doing this to me?" Why does he not see me fit to be a mother, but he entrusts a single 12 year-old child with a baby. I didn't understand.
Two more years passed, and I became pregnant again. This time I was more cautious, but inwardly I was ecstatic! We went to visit family to share our joy with them. Soon after we returned home, I ended up in the emergency room with excruciating pain. I was miscarrying again. This time I received the greatest advice I have ever received. My Mom told me to serve as much as I possibly could, so then I wouldn't have time to think about myself while the wound was still so fresh. It worked well, and I made it through without the devastation I experienced the first time.
It has now been another year and a half since my second miscarriage, and we have decided that adoption is what we should be doing right now. I hope that this blog might be able to help someone to find comfort in their challenges as I chronicle our journey through adoption and our other adventures in our pursuit of parenthood.
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