But not for the reason that you may be thinking. I am blown away at least once a month to find out that yet another one of my friends/family members is pregnant, yet again. I am not even surprised that they are pregnant, because their last child is almost two, so naturally it is now time for them to pop out another one. My question is, "How on earth do they do that?"
My Mom and Sister both had all of their children as unplanned pregnancies. No joke. Everytime they got pregnant they were using a birth control of some sorts, and sometimes several types at the same time. No choice in the matter, just happened.
Me, on the other hand, can't get pregnant to save my life, and the 2 miraculous times that I have succeeded to get pregnant ended in tears and a miscarriage.
So, how do these women get pregnant exactly at the time that they want to? Are their prayers just better than mine? Are they doing something that I haven't figured out yet? I just can't comprehend how they do it! Maybe that will be my first question for God when I die.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
To Bleed or Not to Bleed...
Gross topic I know, but I will explain. I never thought that I would be getting excited over a period, but here we are, blogging about it! My whole life I have had irregular menstrual cycles. When I was younger, I would average 4/year. Since I was 21, they have occured about once every three weeks. Both pregnancies that I had were quite miraculous, happening when we least expected it. (Since the last miscarriage we decided to quit expecting it, and maybe it would happen again, but my body doesn't fall for such tricks!)
Over the summer I began suffering from severe migraines, evening resulting in me having to get a CT scan to make sure everything was ok. By my Mom's "suggestion", (As if we really have any choice when Mom is determined, right?) I went to see a NUCCA doctor. I don't know what all of the letters stand for, but they are chiropractors that specialize in straightening out the first two vertabra, the Atlas, and Axis. Well, not only did my headaches go away from my doctor's treatments, but my cycles have become regular as a result, which is bittersweet because of the delightfully painful cramps that accompanied the change!
Now, as I have gone from having periods once every 20 days or so to having a 25 day cycle, to a 28 day cycle, to now a 32 day cycle with regular bleeding, the normal sadness of yet another month that I am not pregnant is paled in the excitement of having a regular cycle. Yea! The excitement is almost overwhelming! Maybe we will have another option for creating our family!
This has been just one of the bright spots that urge us along in our endeavors to create our family. Our next move is to have professional pictures done of our little family so that we can update our Adoption profile and hopefully improve our chances of adopting. Here's to hope, and a normal period!
Over the summer I began suffering from severe migraines, evening resulting in me having to get a CT scan to make sure everything was ok. By my Mom's "suggestion", (As if we really have any choice when Mom is determined, right?) I went to see a NUCCA doctor. I don't know what all of the letters stand for, but they are chiropractors that specialize in straightening out the first two vertabra, the Atlas, and Axis. Well, not only did my headaches go away from my doctor's treatments, but my cycles have become regular as a result, which is bittersweet because of the delightfully painful cramps that accompanied the change!
Now, as I have gone from having periods once every 20 days or so to having a 25 day cycle, to a 28 day cycle, to now a 32 day cycle with regular bleeding, the normal sadness of yet another month that I am not pregnant is paled in the excitement of having a regular cycle. Yea! The excitement is almost overwhelming! Maybe we will have another option for creating our family!
This has been just one of the bright spots that urge us along in our endeavors to create our family. Our next move is to have professional pictures done of our little family so that we can update our Adoption profile and hopefully improve our chances of adopting. Here's to hope, and a normal period!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways
Mark and I were talking about adoption last night, per usual, and discussing how both of us feel so very far away from being able to adopt. We try not to feel discouraged, but I must confess, it is difficult at times not to feel discouraged.
We discussed other ways to get our names out there, and the topic of Mark's current internship for school came up. He is currently working in the Pediatrics at Bergan Mercy, and daily gets to see the babies that are struggling for life in the NICU. He mentioned how he wishes that he could just bring one home with him.
Late last night I was able to reconnect with a friend from 10 years ago, Megan, who has adopted twice and currently is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her third. Not only has she offered to spotlight us, but her blogs have several resources and ideas that I think will be very helpful for us in our journey to adopt. I am truly amazed at how the Lord helps us so often through other people! I am anxious to post again, hopefully with more good news on the adoption front.
We discussed other ways to get our names out there, and the topic of Mark's current internship for school came up. He is currently working in the Pediatrics at Bergan Mercy, and daily gets to see the babies that are struggling for life in the NICU. He mentioned how he wishes that he could just bring one home with him.
Late last night I was able to reconnect with a friend from 10 years ago, Megan, who has adopted twice and currently is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her third. Not only has she offered to spotlight us, but her blogs have several resources and ideas that I think will be very helpful for us in our journey to adopt. I am truly amazed at how the Lord helps us so often through other people! I am anxious to post again, hopefully with more good news on the adoption front.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Adoption Training
Mark and I have been racing through the paperwork for adoption for the last 2 months. This past Thursday, March 11th, we had our second interviews with our case worker. He commented to me about how quickly we had gotten everything done. I felt like we were taking a long time, but he said that we had gone through it at warp speed. Yea for us! I just feel an urgency to get everything done as quickly as possible, probably because I feel like we have wasted 5 years already not having children.
On a side note, I can say that rarely do I feel a conection with anyone from the scriptures, particularly from the Old Testament. Mark and started reading the Old Testament together, again, and today I was reading to him the story of Sarah and Hagar. I can truly say that I can now relate to her. I can understand how difficult it must have been for her to have a loving relationship with Heavenly Father when he promises her husband children, and then made her barren. I must say that for me it is a daily struggle. I often feel that he loves me, but then I have the daily reminder that we don't have children, although Mark is promised that he will.
Back to the adoption process. Mark and I mailed off the forms for the background checks, and so the only thing really holding us up was the adoption training. They LDS Family Services prefers that we get training from the FSA, Families Supporting Adoption, but they have their meetings on Wednesday nights, when I have class and Mark has Scouts. Fortunately, they sent us a list of books, articles, and videos that we can watch as well, and then we just log the hours that we spend reading/watching them. We only need 8 hours to finish the adoption application, and Mark and I are proud to say that we finished all 8 hours.
We have been reading and discussing adoption much more than that, but we haven't kept track of the time spent on it up until now. Needless to say, we will continue to read more about it, as we both feel very inadequate for the task ahead. Not only is parenting extremely difficult, but then there are the added challenges that come with adoption.
Some of the things that we have found interesting is the benefits of open adoptions. We have decided that we want to leave that up to the birth mother, as far as how open she would like it. After all, it is her sacrifice that will provide us the opportunity to be parents. From several studies it has been shown that children, in general, fare much better with open adoptions.
Sad fact that we were told from our case worker, he said that there aren't as many newborns available for adoption anymore because women either, 1) decide to parent the child on their own, or 2) opt for abortion. He said adoption doesn't appear to be a choice for many of these mothers. Very SAD!
Needless to say, we will be very grateful to the woman who decides to carry her child, and then trust us to raise it. We sincerely hope that we will receive a baby someday!
On a side note, I can say that rarely do I feel a conection with anyone from the scriptures, particularly from the Old Testament. Mark and started reading the Old Testament together, again, and today I was reading to him the story of Sarah and Hagar. I can truly say that I can now relate to her. I can understand how difficult it must have been for her to have a loving relationship with Heavenly Father when he promises her husband children, and then made her barren. I must say that for me it is a daily struggle. I often feel that he loves me, but then I have the daily reminder that we don't have children, although Mark is promised that he will.
Back to the adoption process. Mark and I mailed off the forms for the background checks, and so the only thing really holding us up was the adoption training. They LDS Family Services prefers that we get training from the FSA, Families Supporting Adoption, but they have their meetings on Wednesday nights, when I have class and Mark has Scouts. Fortunately, they sent us a list of books, articles, and videos that we can watch as well, and then we just log the hours that we spend reading/watching them. We only need 8 hours to finish the adoption application, and Mark and I are proud to say that we finished all 8 hours.
We have been reading and discussing adoption much more than that, but we haven't kept track of the time spent on it up until now. Needless to say, we will continue to read more about it, as we both feel very inadequate for the task ahead. Not only is parenting extremely difficult, but then there are the added challenges that come with adoption.
Some of the things that we have found interesting is the benefits of open adoptions. We have decided that we want to leave that up to the birth mother, as far as how open she would like it. After all, it is her sacrifice that will provide us the opportunity to be parents. From several studies it has been shown that children, in general, fare much better with open adoptions.
Sad fact that we were told from our case worker, he said that there aren't as many newborns available for adoption anymore because women either, 1) decide to parent the child on their own, or 2) opt for abortion. He said adoption doesn't appear to be a choice for many of these mothers. Very SAD!
Needless to say, we will be very grateful to the woman who decides to carry her child, and then trust us to raise it. We sincerely hope that we will receive a baby someday!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Heart wrenching every time
I think the hardest thing for me is hearing that others are pregnant. It's not that I am not happy for them, or that I don't want others to have their own children. It's just that for me it is like a huge slap in the face. I know that it is just all in my head, but it is like God is telling me once again that I am not fit to be a mother. As if He is telling me that all of these other women in less than ideal circumstances are better off than I to care for a baby.
A few months ago we were certain that I was pregnant. There was no positive pregnancy test, but all of the signs were there, even the black line down my stomach (the linea negra). After 6 weeks I began to miscarry. We were already prepared for that, since there hadn't been a positive test and figured that it was a chemical pregnancy. The hard part was that very same day we found out that our friend was pregnant, and two of our sisters-in-law were also pregnant.
Needless to say, that was the hardest day ever to stay sane! I was reading on another infertility blog about how important it is for pregnant women to tell their friends and family members dealing with infertility in private so that they can deal with the emotions that come from such news. Fortunately for me, that was how I found out, and I was able to grieve, once again, in silence on my own. My biggest fear is coming across to others as unfeeling or insensitive, or even that I don't want them to have a baby.
I often keep my feelings to myself about my infertility because I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me, but I also keep them inside feeling that I need to be strong, and a show of emotions would be admitting weakness. A show of emotion would mean that I am really not ok with what is going on, and that every time I see a baby I wonder if I will ever have one of my own. It would betray my desire to be able to focus all of my attention to the care of my children for the rest of my life. It would mean that everyone else would feel sympathetic for me, and there is nothing that I hate worse than sympathy. More than anything it would open my heart to be hurt again by getting my hopes up over a pregnancy, only to have them dashed to pieces when it ends in yet another miscarriage.
A few months ago we were certain that I was pregnant. There was no positive pregnancy test, but all of the signs were there, even the black line down my stomach (the linea negra). After 6 weeks I began to miscarry. We were already prepared for that, since there hadn't been a positive test and figured that it was a chemical pregnancy. The hard part was that very same day we found out that our friend was pregnant, and two of our sisters-in-law were also pregnant.
Needless to say, that was the hardest day ever to stay sane! I was reading on another infertility blog about how important it is for pregnant women to tell their friends and family members dealing with infertility in private so that they can deal with the emotions that come from such news. Fortunately for me, that was how I found out, and I was able to grieve, once again, in silence on my own. My biggest fear is coming across to others as unfeeling or insensitive, or even that I don't want them to have a baby.
I often keep my feelings to myself about my infertility because I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me, but I also keep them inside feeling that I need to be strong, and a show of emotions would be admitting weakness. A show of emotion would mean that I am really not ok with what is going on, and that every time I see a baby I wonder if I will ever have one of my own. It would betray my desire to be able to focus all of my attention to the care of my children for the rest of my life. It would mean that everyone else would feel sympathetic for me, and there is nothing that I hate worse than sympathy. More than anything it would open my heart to be hurt again by getting my hopes up over a pregnancy, only to have them dashed to pieces when it ends in yet another miscarriage.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Why am I having such a hard time?
Amazingly enough I have found that just about everyone has a theory why I haven't had a baby yet, none of which have been a bit helpful. I have been told that it's just not the right time for us. I think, "well, how is it the right time for the many other people who don't plan on pregnancy, on drugs, or any of the many other problems that can often surround conception?"
I have also been told that it is because I am overweight. This is the most offensive to me, especially since I have several friends who are obese that have given birth to several children. There is the alternate to this, that it is a lack of exercise, or bad eating habits.
All of these suggest that I am somehow completely in control over my fertility, and that I choose to not get pregnant, or I choose to miscarry.
I have also been told that it is because I am overweight. This is the most offensive to me, especially since I have several friends who are obese that have given birth to several children. There is the alternate to this, that it is a lack of exercise, or bad eating habits.
All of these suggest that I am somehow completely in control over my fertility, and that I choose to not get pregnant, or I choose to miscarry.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Opening Blog, a Little Way to Find Some Closure
I really don't know what will develop out of this blog, but that seems to be the story of my life. All I can say is that this will be a truly heartfelt blog, as it is a way for me to express my feelings about the difficulties I am facing, without the problem of crying, or causing discomfort to others, at least not directly.
We have been married for just over 5 years, and before that we were blissfully ignorant of the difficulties of infertility. My mother is what you might call a "Fertile Myrtle" (I have been told that all 7 of my Mom's pregnancies were conceived while on birth control), and my sister followed a similar course. I assumed that it would be the same way with me. For this reason I made sure I did what I could to not get pregnant in the first year. I wanted to make sure hubby and I were comfortable with each other first. A few months before getting married I went to the Dr., who happened to be the same doctor who delivered me, and he gave me some birth control, Yasmin.
At this point I had no idea that birth control could cause major physical problems. Hubby and I married, and then a few months later I started have severe chest pains. Come to find out, it was the birth control. We decided to leave the pill alone, and try some other methods of birth control. After a few weeks of awkwardness, we were convinced that we would be better off just getting pregnant, and abandoned the birth control altogether.
After a few months of no birth control, we became increasingly excited to get pregnant. A year later, we were still excited to get pregnant, but increasingly more discouraged. We decided to take others advice and pursue fertility treatments. The day of our first appointment we found out we were pregnant. Yea! Our second Dr.'s visit we saw our baby, but no heartbeat. I think that comparing that feeling to being hit by a bus would be quite accurate. I re-live that feeling every time I see it portrayed in the media, such as on "Marley and Me."
I think we heard every speculation possible about why we had miscarried. "You were too stressed", or "there was probably something wrong with the baby."
Other big events came up in our life to conceal my pain from the public, but only my husband knew what kind of torture this was for me. I think that if he wasn't there for me, I would be a much different person, and certainly less functioning.
To throw salt on the wound there was a huge scandal about a pregnant 12 year-old in England planning to raise the baby herself. My biggest question was "Why is God doing this to me?" Why does he not see me fit to be a mother, but he entrusts a single 12 year-old child with a baby. I didn't understand.
Two more years passed, and I became pregnant again. This time I was more cautious, but inwardly I was ecstatic! We went to visit family to share our joy with them. Soon after we returned home, I ended up in the emergency room with excruciating pain. I was miscarrying again. This time I received the greatest advice I have ever received. My Mom told me to serve as much as I possibly could, so then I wouldn't have time to think about myself while the wound was still so fresh. It worked well, and I made it through without the devastation I experienced the first time.
It has now been another year and a half since my second miscarriage, and we have decided that adoption is what we should be doing right now. I hope that this blog might be able to help someone to find comfort in their challenges as I chronicle our journey through adoption and our other adventures in our pursuit of parenthood.
We have been married for just over 5 years, and before that we were blissfully ignorant of the difficulties of infertility. My mother is what you might call a "Fertile Myrtle" (I have been told that all 7 of my Mom's pregnancies were conceived while on birth control), and my sister followed a similar course. I assumed that it would be the same way with me. For this reason I made sure I did what I could to not get pregnant in the first year. I wanted to make sure hubby and I were comfortable with each other first. A few months before getting married I went to the Dr., who happened to be the same doctor who delivered me, and he gave me some birth control, Yasmin.
At this point I had no idea that birth control could cause major physical problems. Hubby and I married, and then a few months later I started have severe chest pains. Come to find out, it was the birth control. We decided to leave the pill alone, and try some other methods of birth control. After a few weeks of awkwardness, we were convinced that we would be better off just getting pregnant, and abandoned the birth control altogether.
After a few months of no birth control, we became increasingly excited to get pregnant. A year later, we were still excited to get pregnant, but increasingly more discouraged. We decided to take others advice and pursue fertility treatments. The day of our first appointment we found out we were pregnant. Yea! Our second Dr.'s visit we saw our baby, but no heartbeat. I think that comparing that feeling to being hit by a bus would be quite accurate. I re-live that feeling every time I see it portrayed in the media, such as on "Marley and Me."
I think we heard every speculation possible about why we had miscarried. "You were too stressed", or "there was probably something wrong with the baby."
Other big events came up in our life to conceal my pain from the public, but only my husband knew what kind of torture this was for me. I think that if he wasn't there for me, I would be a much different person, and certainly less functioning.
To throw salt on the wound there was a huge scandal about a pregnant 12 year-old in England planning to raise the baby herself. My biggest question was "Why is God doing this to me?" Why does he not see me fit to be a mother, but he entrusts a single 12 year-old child with a baby. I didn't understand.
Two more years passed, and I became pregnant again. This time I was more cautious, but inwardly I was ecstatic! We went to visit family to share our joy with them. Soon after we returned home, I ended up in the emergency room with excruciating pain. I was miscarrying again. This time I received the greatest advice I have ever received. My Mom told me to serve as much as I possibly could, so then I wouldn't have time to think about myself while the wound was still so fresh. It worked well, and I made it through without the devastation I experienced the first time.
It has now been another year and a half since my second miscarriage, and we have decided that adoption is what we should be doing right now. I hope that this blog might be able to help someone to find comfort in their challenges as I chronicle our journey through adoption and our other adventures in our pursuit of parenthood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)